(written in 2005, when I thought poop was just about the funniest thing ever. not that I don't still love a great fart joke or awkward bathroom story, but i was literally obsessed with the stuff. sexually speaking.)
Rock God John Tesh to the Rescue
I'm not sure how things work at your building, but the bathroom here has been a source of discomfort for me since I started. Momentarily ignoring the etiquette ignorance, terrible sounds, and vomit inducing exposed genitals conversation that one must persevere through daily, I've now found out that my co-workers are shitting all over me. Literally. I took a timeout from my normal perusal of John Tesh's Marriage/Relationship section of his website and ventured out into the unknown Tesh for some reason this morning. I guess I figured that if he's been this good to my love life he probably has something to offer elsewhere. What I found under the Health & Well-being section was troublesome, to say the least. In this section I stumbled across an article with some simple advice - close the toilet seat lid before you flush. This is a sure-fire way to avoid getting poops and pees in your hair, ears, eyes, and mouth. Except there's one problem: I often encounter toilet seats without lids. In fact, at work there are none at all. The amount of ejecta produced by one simple flush is compared to "Baghdad at night during a U.S. air attack" by anti-shitmouth and anti-American Dr. Charles Gerba. I'm assuming he's not referring to the starlit nights where Baghdadian couples walk hand-in-hand along the sand swept roads of Baghdad, or to the fireworks that go off every night to celebrate the freedom the U.S. has procured, but to the highly controversial U.S. method of bombing our opposition nightly with thousands of turds fresh from our soldiers' butts. Either way, he's referring to a lot of shit in the air. So once again John Tesh's answer has left me with more questions. Do I bring my own toilet seat to the bathroom? Do I flush and run? Maybe a NASCAR helmet? I don't know, it's something I need to consider. Until I successfully lobby for mandatory toilet seats in all bathrooms, or come up with an alternative solution, I guess I will just have to continue to get shit on by my co-workers.
It's a story Flyers fans are familiar with. A 19 year-old franchise saver getting into a bar fight. Not too big of a deal right? If I throw in a DUI 3 weeks later you probably start wondering how you missed that story about Eric Lindros. Except I'm not talking about Eric Lindros - I'm talking about Chris Pronger. Back in the spring of 1994 Chris Pronger got himself arrested with 5 of his teammates and the assistant coach of the Hartford Whalers after a barroom brawl at 4 in the morning in Buffalo. 24 days later, after the season had ended for the Whalers, Pronger was visiting his brother at Bowling Green and was arrested again, this time for driving under the influence. Once is bad luck. Twice, in the eyes of the media, is a trend. It was not a good time for Pronger. "Getting arrested a couple of days after the season, a reputation grows," Pronger says. "During the winter, drinking was never really a problem. But I would try to cram everything in during the summer. I wasn't addicted to drinking. Drinking for me was part of being with my buddies, more just going out with the boys." It's an interesting story, and it can be read here in this article by Michael Farber of Sports Illustrated. What I'm more concerned about is what it means for the Flyers this coming season. There's been so much talk of whether or not people can change since the Flyers signed Ray Emery. There's one camp who thinks yes, people can mature. And there's another camp who thinks no, you are what you are. The truth is anyone who has that general of an opinion about something so specific is an idiot. You need to look at things on a case-by-case basis. Do I think the heroin addict who sits outside the uptown 6 train stop on Spring street can change? No, I do not. Do I think Ray Emery can change? Hell yes. And Chris Pronger is going to help him. Pronger eventually was traded from the Whalers after his reputation was tarnished beyond the point of salvation and the fans and media determined he didn't save the franchise after only two seasons. I don't know if it was because the internet hadn't exploded with sites called drunkathlete.com and gawker or what, but he managed to leave that party boy reputation in Hartford and was captaining the Blues within three years of those incidents at the age of 23. I think Emery can do the same, and in the same way Pronger did - without losing any of that on-ice edge that Flyers fans are going to love him for. Ray Emery showing up to practices on time and staying calm in front of the press cannot be compared to your inability to go to the gym or start writing hand-written letters. If your livelihood, in fact life, were at stake you could change too.
Forgive me for going all Perez Hilton on you but our artistic advisor is in Trinidad on a reshoot of Andrew Zimmern's "Crazy Eating Show" or whatever it's called and I couldn't help but post this.
Who is that clown? I'm wondering if it's just a fan that wondered into the picture, but guessing it's not. Did his workout schedules get sent to his old address? For like the last 4 years?
There is that school of thought that some people subscribe to that makes them act out when they feel uncomfortable. Like, for instance, if you were the only fat guy at a race with a bunch of extremely cut dudes and you were like "fuck it, I got nothing to hide. At least I can go for intimidating and possibly crazy."
The Flyers asked me to come to their prospect camp for the first time in a row this year to consult these yoots on the dangers that lie ahead in the world of professional athletics. So this afternoon, after the first scrimmage of the camp, I found myself standing in front of a room of 34 freshly showered Flyers hopefuls and a couple members of the coaching staff who decided to sit in on the talk. So I stepped up behind the podium, dimmed the lights, and got right into it: "STD's and getting random ho's pregnant." And then I walked out. The limo was waiting right outside the arena for me so I hoped in, opened the sun roof, and stuck my head out. I had some extra time to think about how my speech went on the ride back up because I had instructed Buckman to stick to the back roads (I was in no hurry to return to work). Overall I'd have to say that I was pretty impressed with myself. Because what do young millionaires really have to worry about? They've already successfully avoided a fate worse than all others - spending your days in a cubicle doing a whole lot of seemingly important nothing - so just don't go giving half of it away to a doctor who's burning bumps off your hammer or a girl with a tribal tattoo tickling her ass crack. There was one thing that did strike me as slightly odd however as I remembered the looks on the faces of 38 people learning something new. It was the crown on James van Riemsdyk's head. And the throne he was sitting in. It seems the Flyers are little more afraid that JVR is going to hop on a SEPTA train, transfer to a NJ Transit train at Trenton, and then take it all the way into New York City and start playing for the Rangers than they're willing to admit publicly. How else could you explain the preferential treatment the kid who hasn't even played a game for the Flyers is receiving? There are 31 players who are wearing numbers 40 through 79 at this week's prospect camp. There are 3 players wearing "real" numbers. Andreas Nodl and Jon Kalinski are wearing 15 and 37, respectively, which makes sense. Nodl was apparently a bigger fan of Joffrey Lupul being traded than you or I and Kalinski is wearing the number in which he scored his first NHL goal - makes sense. But James van Riemsdyk, who has not played a shift for the Flyers, is allowed to wear #21 for some reason? Doesn't make sense. Even when Claude Giroux seemed like a lock last season he still had to wear number 56 during the prospect camp. So I'm not sure what they're getting at, but I am sure of this - if you're young and rich stick to necking. Necking with a little jean rubbing is always a safe alternative to any kind of juice play.
Paul Holmgren is on quite a streak. If some morning in March Holmgren woke up and decided that he was going to use his position as GM of the Flyers to repeatedly surprise the people of Philadelphia, and in fact the entire hockey community, I think we can safely say that he has succeeded.
But once again, my initial reaction may not be worth trusting.
A seven year deal for a 34 year-old is bound to raise some eyebrows. I thought maybe 3, possibly 4, and at the most a 5 year contract would be coming on the back end of this trade. But 7, whoa.
If Pronger plays 76 games for each of the next 7 seasons, which isn’t that far-fetched as he’s averaged that exact number of a games per season over the past 5 years, he’ll end his career having played 1,554 games. Which right now would land him at 9th in all-time NHL games played, right behind another great defenseman, Ray Bourque. As it stands today, 16 of the top 20 NHLers in games played are from the “modern era.” An era of professional athletics marked by more protective equipment, greatly increased knowledge about fitness and health, and more advanced training and medical staffs. Athletes are competeing at a top level longer than they ever have before. 35 doesn’t necessarily mark the twilight of an athlete’s career any more. Look at Raul Ibanez.
Pronger’s coming off an 82 game season. He’s had some serious injuries in his career but they haven’t been chronic – torn ACL, broken forearm, broken jaw, broken foot, separated shoulder. Nothing like Peter Forsberg.
This is an exciting deal for the Flyers. Pronger’s won the Cup, the Hart Trophy, the Norris Trophy. He’s captained good and bad hockey clubs. And he feels like he has seven more years in him. It’s safe to say he’d have a better idea of how he feels than I do. So if he wants to round out his career with seven hard-hitting seasons in Philadelphia I’m all for it.
At least 4 of those seasons are going to be spent anchoring the defense with our original defensive stud, Kimmo Timonen. If Braydon Coburn achieves his potential, Ryan Parent continues his development, and Matt Carle can regain his old form, the Flyers defense could be the most offensively and defensively dominant group in the league.
If I had to start prospect camp this hung over I'd fake a broken groin. I'd have to. I'm definitely not 24 anymore. In case I was wondering. It turns out I'm probably closer to the guys slow dancing with their wives before they intercourse them then a college kid with a summer job just looking to get banged up. That said, here to for, enough about me. Great. Now I have the hiccups, like a common pirate. The Flyers Prospect Camp starts today at the Skate Zone in Voorhees, as you already know, thanks to the blogging stylings of Fran. But what you probably didn't know is that the guy pictured above, Brett Robinson, has been invited. This is not a joke. I searched on the name "Brett Robinson" and this was one of the results so that means it's true. Between you and me, I think he's got a pretty good shot at making the Flyers. He's 24 and just finished a pretty good season at Mercyhurst (3rd in the Atlantic Hockey League - D I but barely) in which he notched 38 points in 36 games. Here are some other kids coming to the camp roster that you've never heard of: Rocco Carzo - local kid from Media. 6'1 190 played for Des Moines in USHL. Had 33 points in 45 games. Committed to UMASS Just turned 19. Looks like McLovin'. Josh Lunden - forward from BC (not the college). Going to be a senior at Alaska-Anchorage. Has averaged 22 points a season over the past 3 years. 6'2 202 and is 23. Looks like Judge Reinhold Michael Penny - right wing from Calgary. 6'3 195. Going to be a sophomore at American International College, which finished their 2009 season with 5 wins in the Atlantic Hockey League. Yes the same one that Brett Robinson's team finished third in. He had 15 points in 35 games. He looks like Giovanni Ribisi. Channing Boe - a 6'3 blueliner from Minnesota. Going to be a junior at MSU-Mankato. Had 5 points in 28 games last year. Fought a bit in the USHL before college. Looks like Jon Heder. Nicholas Rioux - going to be a sophomore D man at St. Cloud State with Flyers draft pick Oliver Lauridsen. Except instead of getting 1 point like Lauridsen he got seven. 6'1 195 from Quebec. Bares a striking resemblance to a young Dumbledore, or Ed Helms. Let me put it this way: Basically these Dutch Tea Traders have as much a shot at making the Flyers as I do of feeling human again.But I have a question for you. Those real Flyer fans might remember a young man named Jamie Fritsch. He played 4:34 in the Flyers last game of the year this past season. He had a leg made entirely of Jell-o, Wore the number B 101.5. Remember him? What's he doing? How come he's not at prospect camp?
Check out RJ Umber.....I mean Chris Pronger. Set your phasers to kill. Style Points to Ed Snider... He always looks like a pimp. And did Lukko think this was a July 4th BBQ or what? Was he golfing this morning? Jammon Peter...
Tomorrow the Flyers are opening their prospect camp for the next week, which will conclude with the annual 'Trial on the Isle' in Stone Harbor. Frankly, letting 18 year old hockey players loose on the streets that close to Sea Isle City sounds like a bad idea to me, but at least JVR will be comfortable with the no shower happy hour at Ocean Drive on Thursday. Obviously JVR is the one we'll all be looking at, and he'll def. be the one that has the best shot at making the squad (Aside from the Cup O' Nodl). Players to watch are Kevin Marshall on defence, Joacim Eriksson in net(may be our future #1), and a handful of Phantoms(are they still called the Phantoms?) like Rob Bellamy, Jon Kalinski, and Michael Ratchuk. But for serious, JVR better be skating circles around everyone else, and seriously better make a good impression...someone's gotta fill #22's shoes, and this kid looks to be their best bet.
I've never been down to check out the Prospects Camp, seeing as how somebody has to make sure the donuts get made, but I can imagine it's a great time, and look forward to all the stalker photos of shirtless prospects on Flickr by the weekend.
So what do you think, you think JVR has been crushing it at the gym? You think Chris Pronger will stop by and fight Garret Klotz? You think there will be a shirtless softball game that will make the summertime ladies swoon? Either way, its hockey news in the Summer, and that's always good news.
If Todd Bertuzzi is within the $2M range the Flyers should take a crack at him. Not because it would give my fellow bloggers more ammunition against the Flyers, but because he's put up 40 and 44 points in 68 and 66 game seasons over the past two years, respectively. His career has been forever tarnished by of a single bad decision, even though his "hockey mind" was in the right place when he made it (if you don't think revenge is a central component of hockey....). That doesn't mean he can't contribute to a team making a run at a Cup. I'd take Bertuzzi, who turns 35 in February, for 2 years at $4M altogether. If you're one of those peeps looking for your 50 goals then Bertuzzi will help you put a dent in that. He's like a half-priced Lupul with may more experience and can still fly.
As far as a 7th defenseman goes we have like 10 of them on the Phantoms. I don't see a reason to give $1M to some guy just so he can warm up the press box. That's what Ed Moran is for.
The 2006-07 season really crushed a lot of people's confidence, and souls. Towards the end of that season and over the summer I think Paul Holmgren just wanted to focus on making the team good again. He added a lot of talented players to the Flyers depleted roster and the next season they made the playoffs and shocked most with a run to the Conference Finals. It was a little bit of a surprise to rebuild that quickly and if those 20 guys, more or less, were able to increase our point production by 40 points then you had to hold steady with them. It was like having a hot hand in craps - you have to stick with it until it begins to prove you wrong. Eventually just being good wasn't a concern anymore, and winning a Stanley Cup was. And now Homer's shifted modes. The guy who we all questioned whether or not he was giving his all each night is gone. Replaced with possibly the most intensely devoted teammate in the league. Everyone on the blue line has shifted down a spot, except maybe Kimmo, with the addition of a veteran leader who has already come into very similar circumstances and won a Cup. It's become obvious that we don't just need guys who can score. Everyone keeps talking about how we've lost 50 goals with Knuble a Lupul, but they're ignoring the fact that Lupul's weak play in all three zones probably cost us the same number of goals he scored. It's a ridiculous stat. Scoring 268 goals in the regular season didn't get us a Cup last year, but maybe giving up 50 less will. I'll bet you my ass on this - there will be no ten game losing streak, there will be no 0-3-3 start this season. If we need to get one point in the last two games to win the division it won't matter who we're playing. We'll crush them one of those games. We've acquired four of the most intense players in the league with our last four transactions. As a Flyers fan I assume you don't want to take a train all the way into Philly, pay 70 bucks for a ticket, pay 8 bucks for a beer, and then watch the team give a half-ass effort in a 2-1 loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Because I didn't want that last season but that's what ended up happening. And it sucked. I'd expect a lot of big third periods out of this team. There's reason to get excited.
We covered it last weekend when Chris Pronger was acquired - no need to dry hump a dead horse from behind. The signing of Ian Laperriere has us looking like the most ass-kickingest team since the 2007 Ducks. There are going to be a lot of fun games to watch next season that might get out of hand. Whether or not this team toughness and change in locker room chemistry translates into the Flyers being serious competitors will be decided on the ice. They've got some personalities in that room now, boy. As of this moment our current roster is looking something like this: Gagne - Briere - Richards Hartnell - Carter - Giroux Carcillo - Laperriere - JVR Cote - Powe - Asham Pronger - Coburn Timonen - Parent Carle - Jones Emery Boucher And as of now the number of players who have worn the orange and black since the Fall of 2007and are no longer part of the organization looks something like this: Upshall - Umberger - Knuble Prospal - Dowd - Lupul Downie - Metropolit - Kapanen Eager - Potulny - Tolpeko Picard - Smith Eminger - Vaananen Alberts - Kukkonen Biron Nittymaki Scratches: Sbisa Vandermeer Modry Fitzpatrick Greentree Boulerice Ruzicka Can we get these two teams to play against each other? I think our current team would blow our former team out of the water and beat the piss out of them while they were at it. That has to be a good thing, right? ps - If you didn't think we got enough of a mouthpiece in Daniel Carcillo, Ian Laperriere is the reigning king of the NHL. 7 Minutes of worthwhile Youtubin':
So apparently it wasn't enough for Chris Pronger to take Matt Carle's number (Carle will wear 20 next season), he's now taken Braydon Coburn's body. Over the weekend Coburn admitted that Pronger was one of his childhood heroes and the next thing you know Pronger's head has been transplanted on Coburn's body like some Flyers Frankenstein. All this "borrowing" by Pronger does not bode well for the atmosphere in the locker room. And then maybe the ultimate in indignities, the Flyers have taken Ray Emery's head and put it on Martin Biron's body! That Vaughn blocker and Montreal stick, I'd recognize them anywhere! "Hey Marty, remember when we were telling the press how interested we were in bringing you back if we could just make the numbers work? Well, we were lying, and we've already replaced your head with Ray Emery's on the splash page for our website. Yeah, yeah, he's the guy who beat you up two years ago and then stole your job a couple weeks ago. So basically what we're calling to say is...have fun out there in the free agency pool today. Pussy."
(That is, honest to God, our 7th round draft pick pictured above. On the right. Looks like Tom Brady has some competition.) I have to get on this before free agency opens up and nobody cares about our draft anymore. I don't really care for this draft class. As a matter of fact, I'll eat an entire pineapple with the skin on if any of these guys ever puts on a real Flyers jersey. There only chance to ever wear one that they don't buy themselves, most likely, will be at this July's prospect game. Let's review them in reverse, because they're easier to make fun of that way. 7th Round - Oliver Lauridsen - A St. Cloud State defenseman known as The Great Dane (because he's from Denmark!) on campus who literally cannot ice skate. Look him up on youtube. He is 6'6 of suck. 6th Round - Eric Wellwood - Could be a Wayne Primeau, could be a Marcel Hossa, could be a Napolean Gagne. At least his name is familiar, which I dig. 6th Round - David Labrecque - Hope he enjoys the Adirondacks! I like how his name makes me think of Dinner, Drive-ins, and Dives. 5th Round - Nicola Riopel - Sounds like a Harry Potter character. I won't be convinced he's not until I see some proof stating otherwise. 3rd Round - Simon Bertilsson - Says he patterns his game after Niklas Kronwall. If he's putting up 50 points a season a knocking dudes out in 5 years I'll take that pineapple and shove it up my butt. 3rd Round - Adam Morrisson - Boring. Goalies are stupid. You buy goalies, Paul. Not draft them. I've been poking around the internet and can't find the dates for the Flyers prospect camp. Anyone have any idea when it starts? Are we playing the Caps again this year? Flyers Staff - Give us press passes to it our we'll sew your butts up like Method Man.
There was some chatter in the comments section yesterday about Danny Briere and his lucrative contract that got me thinking. See, I'm one of the few Flyers fans, at least as far as I can tell from the internet, that thinks we should hold onto Danny Briere because he's going to have a lot of big seasons to come. Well, that and his wine and cheese parties are on the hook, but that's besides the point. I'm constantly reading opinions that we overpaid for the tiny little Frenchman, but that's blatantly not true. And now I'm going to show you why. Here's your grain of salt, take it:
- I understand that some of these players are younger and coming into their prime where as Danny is expected to be in his already.
- I understand that there are intangibles besides points that guys get paid for, Mike Richards being a great example.
- I understand that the players in this analysis are at different points in contracts that might be front-loaded
- I understand that some guys like Guerin and Fedorov are not expected to be as productive as they once were but can still get paid
- I used 09/10 Cap hit for guys that are signed and 08/09 cap hit for guys that are free agents this summer
Bottom line, for me, is this - if you're a forward getting paid millions the fans want points. And lots of them. . . . . .
I had a hunch that most people were riding Briere mainly as a result of some misguided "what have you done for me lately" mentality. It is true that neither of his seasons as a Flyer have been as productive as his contract year in Buffalo when he put up 95 points, but if you'll remember the other big free agents that off-season were Chris Drury and Scott Gomez who both went to the Rangers I think you'd agree that we got the best point producer in the deal. Talk about overpaid.
So here are some quick stats:
- Of the 40 highest paid forwards in the NHL Briere comes 36th in games played over the last three seasons with only Sakic, Gaborik, Kariya, and Havlat having played less games. But you don't sign a player knowing that he's going to get a long term injury, do you. There's not much that can be done about that. I think Philly fans would have been much more forgiving if Briere had a "real" injury like a broken face and didn't dillydally when trying to come back last season. (Breire is the only player in the analysis that has played in the AHL during the last three seasons. Ha!)
- When it comes to points Briere is 21st out of 40. Remember, I'm trying to see if Briere is overpaid as a hockey player, not just as a Flyer. I thought three years was a decent sample size, especially since some of these young studs like Malkin and Kopitar have only played three seasons.
- Now to the more telling stats. When it comes to points per game from 2006 to 2009 Danny Briere is ranked at 16th. Ahead of Eric Staal. Ahead of Thomas Vanek, Ahead of Rick Nash, Scott Gomez, Mats Sundin, Martin Havlat, and 18 other NHL stars. When it comes to salary he's 19th. You can't argue with those numbers. There's no denying he's right in his pay range.
- And if you are trying to deny it, try denying this one. If everyone on this list maintained the point production they've had over the past three years next season Briere would be 25th from the top when it came to costing out each point he will score. For example, if Chris Drury, who has the highest $ per point ranking of all the players in the analysis, stays flat and scores 63 points this year while making over $7M then each of those points is going to cost $112k. Briere will be at $78k a point - in the bottom half. Lower than all the guys mentioned above as well as Marian Hossa, Vinny Lecavalier, Dany Heatley, Evgeni Malkin, and even Alex Ovechkin. You can definitely argue that once you hit a certain point level (maybe 90?) those points should be more expensive as it's quite the feat - I don't think anyone would deny that OV and Balki need to be PAID. But once again, I'm just benchmarking how Danny Briere is sitting in the correct salary range. There are a whole lot of "if's" in those stats about this coming season. Basically Danny Briere has to put up 83 points for any of this to be valid. But there's no reason to think he's not going to. I believe all that crap about him getting used to the Philly system and players in his first year - contributing to his decrease in points from 95 to 72. Because you know what was driving that decrease? Assists. And you know who was missing all year? Simon Gagne. During Briere's career (and contract) year in Buffalo he had 95 points - 1.96 assists for every goal. The next season, his first as a Flyer, Briere had 72 points - 1.32 assists for every goal. When he came to the Flyers his goal production dropped by 1. His assists fell by 22. If John Stevens gets Briere steady time with Gagne, Carter, or possibly Giroux he's going to explode this season.
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