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Written by Fran
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Wednesday, 24 February 2010 12:26 |
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 (WASHINGTON D.C.) Today, during an impromptu national address, President Obama initiated what he called the "Americanization of Switzerland Act" into law. Obama sidestepped both the House and Senate and appeared to ratify the bill by his lonesome this morning, following a quick glance at the Men's Olympic Hockey schedule for today. "Look, our young, upstart boys are coming off a big win against Canada. Some of my opponents believe this to be a trap game. Well, we as a nation, we cannot be trapped, nor defeated, nor embarrassed by the Swiss! That is why I have passed this Act today. " Obama outlined his plan which, if effective, should be initiated in every neighborhood, city and state by 3pm EST. Below are some of the key points to the new Act:
- Replace "Swiss" with the word "Freedom" for all Swiss made products. This will lead to such new items as Freedom Army knives, Freedom Miss and Freedom Cheese.
- Citywide bonfires for all products from Tag Heuer, Nestlé and Victorinox. Chocolate land slides expected, and obese people have been dispatched to clean up the mess
- Ricola cough drops now classified as a hallucinogenic.
- Yodeling banned "for like, ever".
- Roger Federer's visa is revoked. Roger Federer's ugly wife can still be made fun of.
- Mark Streit forced to play on terribly embarrassing team from Long Island.
- Switzerland's 3 letter truncation will go from "SUI" to "SUX"
- Luca Sbisa will be forced to return to the Philadelphia Flyers organization and forced to play a full 12 year career for them, forced to win them 3 consecutive Stanley Cups
- Roman Wick will forever be announced as "Roman Dick"
Obama, in his freshly ironed Ryan Miller jersey, knows this changes will be tough to accomplish by 3pm, but he sees this as a great test for the American people. "We have a team that has a strong chance at medaling, and we MUST beat this terrible menace to our way of life." Obama also ordered all employers to allow thier workers ample time to get to a television for the 3pm game. "What we have here is an opportunity. And I hope that we can change the US Men's hockey identity from a runner up, to the gold medal favorites." Obama ended his address by releasing 50 bald headed eagles headed straight for Vancouver. Obama then cracked a Coors Light and in his best Stone Cold Steve Austin impression, slugged down a six pack, stared into the camera and shouted "Shit is on like Donkey Kong".
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I was starting to believe the media when they say I oppose everything about him because I must be racist. What a relief to know that I'm not!