12 April 2011
In preperation for our dismissal of the Buffalo Sabres from the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs we had a little Q&A with the Buffalo Sabres (and Bills, yes Buffalo is that poor) blog on our network. You can see our responses over at Buffalo Wins, there's are below. We like these guys so it's ashame that we have to destroy their dreams, but being from Buffalo, I assume they're used to it.
1. Q: If you had to climb Machu Picchu with 3 Sabres who would they be and why, and if Tyler Myers is one of them it can't just be because he could pick berries off of high trees and shit.
A: I don't have a god damn clue what Machu Picchu is? Does he play for you guys? Is he Bronson Pinchot's distant cousin? Let me google it...alright, it's some mountain in South America. Well, it's gotta be our 3rd string goalie, Patrick Lalime. Mainly, because he kind of sucks and if we end up being stuck on the mountain like those poor fools in the movie "Alive," we can then just kill him and eat him up. After that, I'd go with Cody McCormick. He's a big, tough guy, who can fight off wild animals and protect us. After that, I'd bring up Ryan Miller because he's a photographer in his spare time and can take a lot of cool pictures while we climb the mountain. Also, since we are in South America, I'm adding Paul Gaustad, because I think he may be of Spanish decent, so he probably knows how to say "si" or "no."
2. Q: Do you pretend to like Patrick Kaleta like we pretend to like Daniel Carcillo? Strike that question, do you see any value in a player like Dan Carcillo? What if he were American.
A: If you are talking about liking a player who everyone else loves to hate, then Kaleta is our guy. However, we don't pretend anything. We like the guy because he's from Angola, which is like 30 minutes from Buffalo. BTW, Angola is kind of lame, as they have a beach club there that resembles the Jersey Shore. I don't like Carcillo. He's kind of a douche bag and needs to shave that pubic stache that he sports. BTW, he better be careful of Nathan Gerbe.
3. Q: Is it true that all children in Buffalo grow up scared that Rob Ray is going to come into their homes and torture them if they're not good, like a modern day Krampus? On the same note who is the non-active Sabre getting the most jersey love around The Aud, and if it's Patty La who is second? And if it's Raffi Torres, who's third?
A: Who the hell is Krampus? Everyone loves Razor. He's on TV all the time and he even came out with his own book. He actually did beat up a fan once on the ice, but the guy was French-Canadian, which made him an even bigger legend.
Raffi Torres jersey? Shit, now that you mention him, I should have brought him on that mountain of yours and threw him off of it when we got to the top. Michael Peca, Pat LaFontaine and Rob Ray get a lot of love when it comes to fashion. BTW, we love our jerseys. We almost had a riot after they revealed the Sabres slug in 2006. Like, our douche bag president at the time had an impromptu press conference begging the fans not to be so pissed.
4. Q: Do people in Buffalo ever make fun of Ryan Miller for being an amateur photographer? When Joffrey Lupul was a Flyer he got caught playing Breakfast at Tiffany's on his acoustic and never heard the end of it.
A: Nah. People love Miller in this town. He could pose for playgirl or star in a porno with silverback apes and everyone would still love him. I'll admit, he is kind of an oddball. Hell, he has a charity event in which he has fellow players dress up in clothes from a different era and then walk the catwalk. Alright, now that you mention it, maybe we should make fun of him more. We use to make fun of Drew Stafford a lot because he's a total hipster and loves to play his guitar. However, he just scored 30 goals this year, so he could play Lady Gaga on a grand piano, and get away with it.
5. Q: If you do happen to beat the Flyers, which is obviously impossible, do you think you'd even have a shot at beating the Caps, Bruins, or Bolts?
A: It doesn't matter who we face! Caps, Bruins, Bolts, Jets, Nordiques, Allen Iverson's Turkish team, Shawn Bradley's moorman group, Andy Reid's fat ass, all the pussies who couldn't make it to a football game in snow. BTW, what the fuck happened to you people? In Buffalo, we would have marinated the snow in vodka and had a good old time. So to answer your question, we can beat them all!
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