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Written by Ryan
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Friday, 26 February 2010 14:00 |
 Thanks to everyone who voted, and to Will Hunting for tabulating our results.
The people have spoken! |
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Written by Fran
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Friday, 26 February 2010 12:57 |
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Written by Ryan
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Friday, 26 February 2010 11:40 |
 Earlier today we got a facsimile with the best news we've gotten in weeks - the Ferraro brothers had signed on for the 'Butt Fuck the Fins' campaign. What great news.
Chris and Peter Ferraro, besides being former NHLers, also represented the US at the WJC and the WC. They also went to Tabor Academy, the finest preparatory school in all of the world.
They were seawolves before seawolves mistook a trainer for General Tso at Seaworld. And now they're our spokes twins. Nicely done guys. Double your pleasure. Double your fun. And never forget to Butt Fuck the Fins. |
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Written by Ryan
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Friday, 26 February 2010 09:02 |
Today Flyers Goal Scored By is officially the official Flyers blog turned Team USA blog of the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Thank you for reading Team USA Goal Scored By…
Onto the day's story lines.
1. The LangenEagle is ready to party. As you may have noticed the LangenEagle came out of its shell on Wednesday afternoon and is prepared to be released on the Fins today. Specifically it is ready to butt fuck the entire team - and not in a 'people on the internet are so homophobic and perpetuate anti-gay thinking' kind of way. In the way that a male dog will butt fuck another male dog just to let him know who's boss. Kind of like prison, I guess, with out all the notes carved into your leg while you're sleeping that say 'meet me in the 3rd stall after extra sloppy joe lunch.'
2. Finland beat Belarus 5-1. Finland beat Germany 5-0. Finland lost to Sweden 3-0. Finland beat the Czech Republic 2-0. When they've won it's been because of shutdowns in their own end. In their sole loss Sweden scored 6:41 into the game. I'm going to go out on a snowy limb here and say that if Team USA scores first, and in the first period, we win. If not Finland will wear us down and rub us off.
3. Finish Forwards - Nicklas Hagman is leading the way up front for Finland with 5 points in 4 games. Mikko Koivu is second with 4 assists, but then it's a balanced effort below that with 9 players have 2 points (including Kimmo) and a handful with 1. There's not one single player we need to watch out for. Selanne, even though he is the Olympics' all time leading scorer is playing like it's his last season after saying it. Skull Face has a goal and an assist in 4 games. The Ruutu's and Valtteri Filppula can be dangerous. There's no OV, Crosby, or 2006 Forsberg on this team. But there wasn't even a Patrik Juhlin on Switzerland and we didn't exactly run away with that one. The Fins win as a team. And we need to curb them. American. History. X. Read it.
4. We'll be going against Flames goalie Miikka Kiprusoff this afternoon. Earlier this season the Flyers scored 3 goals against him on 27 shots. I would like to think Team USA could at least tie the Flyers. In December of 2003 Jeremy Roenick scored on Kiprusoff. He'll be in the building. That's going to intimidate the Finnish net minder.
5. We're fucking AMERICANS. I know everyone hates us but just like a parent who tells the principal to 'go fuck yourself' when he calls and says your son's been suspended, this is our chance to say 'hey world, we know you hate us, but the LangenEagle is going to butt fuck all of you. Lin 'em up." We have 32 medals. Finland has 3. We're over 10x better than them. That's called math, Houdini. Look it up.
6. David Backes feels it. Ryan Kesler feels it. Bobby Ryan feels it. Brian Rafalski is playing like a deep see fisherman who casts the hook right into the fish's mouth first time every time. Let's get physical with these socialists. Dump and collect. Except for Kimmo, Finland's defense might be less organized than Switzerland's. You have Lasse who couldn't hack it, Janne who couldn't hack it, Joni who is a liability, a shitty Coyote, and a Sabre and Canuck. Play in their end and play physical and we win.
Not that any of you care but I'm considering going with the DVR today. I want to watch at 3 but that would be all alone Olympic hockey watching, which is a little scary. So as of 3 I'll be off the Twitter, the comments, and maybe even my phone. If you want to talk about how badly we're going to BF the Fins you have 6 hours. Go. |
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Written by Fran
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Thursday, 25 February 2010 15:42 |
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Written by Ryan
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Thursday, 25 February 2010 09:08 |
Frank Seravalli had a very good story on philly.com the other day that gave us some insight into what exactly is going on up there in Glen Falls. If you have a cup of coffee and 5 minutes, which you obviously do because you're wasting your time here, it's a good read.
Last night the Phantoms suffered a difficult loss to the Syracuse Crunch. And by difficult I mean going into the third winning 5-3, giving up 3 goals, the winner being a short-handed tally, difficult.
I'm late the party as usual (just getting into C+C Music Factory) but everyone who has a computer should be following @PSPhantoms on Twitter. And if you're still not using Twitter because it sounds stupid the truth is that you're right - it is. But it's also like another inbox for you to check where only stories that you're interested in come through. You just have to sift through the hundreds of internet broadcasters that announce goals like you didn't see them. Not a big deal. You could also set up an RSS (Really Simple Syndication) if you want your blogs and articles delivered to you, but we'll leave that for the old man who gives away cd-roms about the eBay to explain to you.
You can't stop progress.
Which means you also can't stop the United States of America. Yesterday was a bit tense but we got through it ('we' as in me and them). I think that Finland is the perfect opponent for us at this point. They're a team that the US should be scared of, which if the Canada game is any indication, makes us play better. They're also a team with that ass hotdish Kimmo Timonen (sorry Kimmo) and his buddies Lasse Kukkonen, Janne Niskala, and Joni Pitkanen. Finland's Defense is sponsored by the Philadelphia Flyers. I'm still pissed that the game is being played at noon in Vancouver. The women's tournament will be over tomorrow so why wouldn't they have a 4 PM game and a 7PM game? I've not been very interested in getting on the NBC bashing bandwagon this Olympics, because frankly I don't give a shit what channel the game's on, whether I miss 5 minutes because of curling, or who is announcing, but I don't really see the rationale behind the scheduling tomorrow. What can you do…
While the Phantoms play the Admirals tomorrow, and the US plays Finland tomorrow, this is what you're up against this weekend. Remember what we've practiced. Buy more food and beer than you can fit into your car, make sure all your devices are powered as much as they can be in case the power goes out, bust out the candles, and buy Trivial Pursuit and you'll be ok. Or at least drunk in the dark. Which means if you can find a spark you can dance. Which should be of some comfort.
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Written by Fran
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Wednesday, 24 February 2010 12:26 |
 (WASHINGTON D.C.) Today, during an impromptu national address, President Obama initiated what he called the "Americanization of Switzerland Act" into law. Obama sidestepped both the House and Senate and appeared to ratify the bill by his lonesome this morning, following a quick glance at the Men's Olympic Hockey schedule for today. "Look, our young, upstart boys are coming off a big win against Canada. Some of my opponents believe this to be a trap game. Well, we as a nation, we cannot be trapped, nor defeated, nor embarrassed by the Swiss! That is why I have passed this Act today. " Obama outlined his plan which, if effective, should be initiated in every neighborhood, city and state by 3pm EST. Below are some of the key points to the new Act:
- Replace "Swiss" with the word "Freedom" for all Swiss made products. This will lead to such new items as Freedom Army knives, Freedom Miss and Freedom Cheese.
- Citywide bonfires for all products from Tag Heuer, Nestlé and Victorinox. Chocolate land slides expected, and obese people have been dispatched to clean up the mess
- Ricola cough drops now classified as a hallucinogenic.
- Yodeling banned "for like, ever".
- Roger Federer's visa is revoked. Roger Federer's ugly wife can still be made fun of.
- Mark Streit forced to play on terribly embarrassing team from Long Island.
- Switzerland's 3 letter truncation will go from "SUI" to "SUX"
- Luca Sbisa will be forced to return to the Philadelphia Flyers organization and forced to play a full 12 year career for them, forced to win them 3 consecutive Stanley Cups
- Roman Wick will forever be announced as "Roman Dick"
Obama, in his freshly ironed Ryan Miller jersey, knows this changes will be tough to accomplish by 3pm, but he sees this as a great test for the American people. "We have a team that has a strong chance at medaling, and we MUST beat this terrible menace to our way of life." Obama also ordered all employers to allow thier workers ample time to get to a television for the 3pm game. "What we have here is an opportunity. And I hope that we can change the US Men's hockey identity from a runner up, to the gold medal favorites." Obama ended his address by releasing 50 bald headed eagles headed straight for Vancouver. Obama then cracked a Coors Light and in his best Stone Cold Steve Austin impression, slugged down a six pack, stared into the camera and shouted "Shit is on like Donkey Kong".
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Written by Ryan
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Wednesday, 24 February 2010 08:56 |
Two years ago last night I saw the Broadway sensation Wicked. It was decent. I think. But that's not the only thing I did that night. The fact that I was sitting in a theatre watching a play about goblin rape (that's what it's about if you haven't seen it) meant that I was also missing the Flyers lose their tenth game in a row, earning only their second point of a possible 20 in the month of February. Not only that, but they lost Mike Richards to a groin-quad pull and the season seemed like it was over. Everyone wondered if the Flyers were going to make it to the playoffs, the press was declaring the Flyers as sellers at the impending deadline, and I was humming 'Defying Gravity' all day long. Those were some drug-fueled times.
Where does the time go? As you know the Flyers made it the Conference Finals that spring and the Phillies won the World Series that fall. Then the Flyers played an entire season and got knocked out of the playoffs in the first round. And now I just remembered that I almost forgot there was even and NHL season going on. I hope the players didn't because all but 4 (maybe 3) have practice tomorrow.
I don't know if this break was good or not. I guess it only depends on how the club does. If they stall out on the second lap the press will write that the break robbed the team of their momentum after back-to-back home-and-home sweeps of the Devils and Canadiens (remember that?). If they continue their winning ways the break will have been exactly what the players needed - some time to 'catch-up' with their families and 'kind of unwind a bit.'
I've enjoyed the Olympics tremendously. The hockey aspect specifically. One of the most enjoyable parts has been cheering for an entirely new set of players and jerseys. It's a common theme in Philadelphia that we discuss often - the Flyers will let you down. Everything will let you down in life except Jason Wyerth's beard. But like the World Juniors before and the Olympic Team now, you can root rabidly for your country without fear that they'll blow it because you don't expect the world out of them. They're a fun novelty where as the Flyers pass and shoot our hopes and day dreams. In that way it's kind of like the 2007-08 Flyers, who began their tremendously tremendous run to the playoffs and beyond 2 years ago today. As the wise and gap-toothed King said in Platoon, 'it's all gravy.'
It's been a lot of fun to root for players you only hate because they're so good. It's been great to take a break from watching Scott Hartnell squirm around the ice like an errantly captured dolphin on the bow of a boat. But it will also be fun to have Flyers hockey back when all of this is done - even though much like an Olympic event these last 20 or so games will feel like a sprint with staggered starts. |
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Written by Ryan
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Tuesday, 23 February 2010 10:26 |
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We promise to start writing better if you promise to follow.
Next in our slow but sure ascent to world domination will be Flyers Goal Scored By t-shirts that leave cool and temporary tattoos on you when you sweat - like flames and skulls and butts. It's fun for when you only have time to go to the gym OR the fake tattoo store.
Ass casserole!
(when that arrow is no longer next to the link to the app because we've posted another awesome article just pretend that it is or we'll have you using a flip phone again in minutes. cell phone minutes.) |
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Written by Ryan
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Tuesday, 23 February 2010 08:45 |
The Flyers are always doing great things for local and national charities. Their online auctions, the Flyers Fight for Lives Carnival, and local appearances all serve to raise money for foundations and organizations that strive to cure disease or at least provide a better life to those who have been unfairly afflicted. With privilege comes responsibility. But while it costs a couple hundred dollars to sit on the Flyers bench during warm ups, how much would someone pay to skate with the Flyers during a pre-season warm up next year? My guess is a lot.
The pre-season is a time for all sorts of goofy ideas - inviting Hayley Wickenheiser to training camp, staring Maneau Rheaume in net, dressing Mark Bell. I don't think letting some richer skate around with the Flyers in front of 6,000 people would be that big of a stretch. And if that person didn't suck at hockey it could be a very cool and profitable venture.
Everything would have to be pro. Real socks, real jersey, real gloves, helmet, skates, and stick. If you're some old tycoon who still wears Microns you're going to have to break in a new pair of Vapors. You're going to have to go to class too. You'll need to know where to be as the warm up progresses and how to stay involved but out of the way. You'll have to pass a test on what's appropriate - regarding touching the other side of the ice, shooting pucks down the other end, or even talking to the guys. You'll have to pass a drug and sobriety test multiple times.
But could you imagine the pictures? And therefore the price tag? You'd have your own family and friends there taking pics, obviously, but the Flyers would also provide 2 professional photographers and have signs made up for everyone in the lower bowl to hold that had your name and number on them. I'm talking seriously pro.
You'll be asked to come over and have a few words with Steve Coates while he's on the bench and your 'teammates' skate around behind you.
So what would you pay? This is worth so much more than a round of gold with Braydon Coburn or listening to Scott Hartnell say 'slamajama' all night at a Sixers game. This is where it all comes together. And you'd have to be rich to get in on the bidding. Not even rich, but a rich person. Something like this is going to have a starting price of at least $50k. But this would be worth it. You'd actually be a Flyer for 20 minutes. You'd have to devote and entire room in your mansion to the event. Get the Flyers to sign your jersey and frame it. Hang your gloves, skates, and jock up on the wall. Throw 3,000 pictures on the other wall. Get the picture of Chris Pronger feeding you a one-timer blown up into a poster on the ceiling that resembles the Apotheosis of Washington.
Use two sticks and hang one of them up, hand the other off to a kid as you go down the ramp between Claude Giroux and Mike Richards. Toss pucks over the glass. Teach Jeff Carter how to hit the net. Choose the warm up music.
I think once word of this auction spread it'd be Cuba Gooding Jr. versus Riley Cote versus Joe Biden at around the $350k mark in the end. All that money going to charity for something that is a small concession for an NHL club to make. |
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